Several years ago, I was assigned to speak in church on the topic of “Real Growth”.
As I began preparations for the talk, I found my mind continually reaching back to my youth, searching for those things that brought me “Real Growth”. Let me tell you a little about myself.
I was born January 30, 1959 to Gordon and Mardella Henrie.
My father is from Panguitch, Utah. He was born, as we say, “under the covenant”, meaning his parents were sealed in the temple, for time and eternity, prior to his birth. In fact, so were his parents, and their parents, and their parents, dating back to January 22,1846, when William and Myra Henrie were sealed in the Nauvoo temple, prior to the great exodus of the church westward to the Salt Lake Valley. However, in his youth, my father became what is commonly known as a “Utah Mormon. In other words, he wasn’t particularly close to the church. His conversion began in his late teens, when he left home and joined the US Air Force. Now, in his 87th year, he remains steadfast in the Gospel, having been a faithful servant of the Lord.
My mother is from Clanton, Alabama and was raised a Southern Baptist. Her youth was considerably different than that of my father. Concepts such as eternal marriage, temple covenants, and even personal revelation and testimony were entirely foreign to her, despite the fact that she was raised in a religious home. She was introduced to the Gospel by my father, who attempted unsuccessfully to teach her before they were married. Failing that, he introduced her to the missionaries, whose teachings she received with a whole heart. She was baptized before I was born just over a year later. Now in her 84th year, she is faithful to all her covenants and is a revered mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother.
How was it then, that it took so many years for my father to become “converted”, yet it took my mother only a matter of months. While my father was raised in the church, my mother was introduced to it in her early 20s by my father. While my father’s roots run deep in the church, my mother’s family still share their deep concern for her salvation, believing the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to be a false religion.
One day a couple years ago I asked my daughter, Gina, what “real growth” means to her. Her answer was a very wise one. She said,
“Real growth is when you begin to recognize what things are really important and what things are not.”
I think that explains why it took my dad as much as 18-20 years to become converted to the Gospel, even though he was raised in the church, while it took my mother only a matter of months, once she was first exposed to the truth.
Sometimes new converts to the church feel a little disadvantaged, when they see around them those who have been members all their lives, and who are intimately familiar with the church and its workings, or who have gained deep knowledge of the scriptures over many years of study, or who have held high and holy callings in the church.
Ironically, many times, those who have been members all their lives envy those same new converts for the burning testimony they feel that compelled them to change their lives, to be baptized, and to share their testimony with all their friends. Often, lifetime members long for that burning in the bosom they hear described in the scriptures and experienced by so many new converts, yet which they don’t seem to feel themselves, despite their faithfulness to their covenants.
Brothers and sisters, I would like to share with you some of the “Real Growth” experiences of my life.
I remember my mother kneeling with me by my bedside, when I was a very young child, teaching me to pray. I remember my first memorized prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And If I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
I remember how important it was to my mother that I pray every night. Eventually she taught me how to talk to my Heavenly Father.
As I grew older, I had a few years, as most children do, when bad dreams and nightmares were my greatest fear. Monsters lived under the bed and in the closet. I remember learning quickly that when I had a nightmare, I could pray and Heavenly Father would protect me and the bad dream would go away.
The problem was that I thought I had to kneel by my bed to pray. It may seem a small thing to you, but it took enormous faith on my part to slide out of bed and kneel by my bedside to pray to my Heavenly Father, when my greatest fear lived under the bed.
I eventually learned that if I remembered to pray for good dreams before I climbed into bed, I would not have bad dreams at all. Imagine to yourself the faith growing in my little heart regarding my Heavenly Father’s love for me, and his protecting hand.
My mother’s teaching about prayer stayed with me. To this day, I cannot climb into bed without saying my nightly prayer. I simply cannot sleep until I have done so. Consequently, I cannot finish a day without clearing the air between myself and the Lord. This has been a great protection and blessing to me throughout my life.
I remember the day I was sealed to my parents in the Mesa, Arizona temple. I was about 4 or 5 years old. I remember having to sit in a waiting room, where I was bored. There were no toys. My parents were somewhere else and were gone a long time. I remember sitting by a window, looking out and wishing I were somewhere else. Yet, I also remember the peaceful feeling in the temple, and that I knew I had to be reverent there. I knew that whatever was happening, it was important to my parents and to my Heavenly Father. Over the years it became important to me. I knew I wanted my family to be an eternal one, and that the temple was the only place on earth where that could become a reality.
Now fast-forward a few years into the future. In my youth I considered that I had a strong testimony. I was called to leadership positions on several occasions. I was quite proud of myself. I was doing things right, and I made sure others knew I was the example they should follow. I was planning on serving a mission. I was on-track. So proud was I, in fact, and so sure of myself, that I often fell into errors I might have avoided, had I been a humble follower of Christ. To this day I know of not one person who ever joined the church during my high school years due to my influence. In later years, I learned that righteousness is more than skin-deep. It must reach into the soul and come from the heart.
Fast forward again. I served a mission. I served well. I held leadership positions. I returned home honorably. I was married in the temple to the right woman (the same temple in which my parents, and hers, were sealed) and we have been married going on 40 years. I continued my education, which lead to career opportunities that allowed me to support a family and provide opportunities for their growth and welfare. I learned that making correct choices and doing the right things leads to the opening of doors of opportunity that would otherwise be closed to me.
When I was 30 years old and had three children, I was just beginning my career as an FBI Agent. I had struggled with the decision to become a federal agent for quite some time, having also felt a desire to be a high school teacher. I felt the Lord had not answered my prayers, but had left me unto myself to make that choice. I was somewhat discouraged that I would receive so much help from the Lord in other aspects of my life and in church callings, but that I would receive no answers for such an important decision for my life and family. I finally told the Lord I was going to go ahead and do what I thought was best and if I was wrong, I asked that he should guide me in the right direction and promised I would follow, regardless of the consequences.
Shortly after I graduated from the Academy and we were settled in our first duty station, Midland, Texas, I was called as a Stake Missionary and a Ward Mission Leader. I was called to be interviewed by the First Counselor in the Stake Presidency. As I sat before him, he reviewed my name and asked, “Are you related to any Henries from Utah?” I explained that my great-grandfather, Norm Sargent, was from Panguitch, Utah, and that my dad, Gordon Henrie, was born and raised there.
This humble man, then with tears in his eyes, said, “Gordon Henrie taught me the Gospel.” As it turned out, he and my dad had met in flight school for the US Air Force as young cadets. Dad started taking him to church meetings, where he became converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My great-grandfather, Norm Sargent, baptized him.
This experience I received as my confirmation from the Lord that He was pleased with my decision and approved my choice of career. I had learned that sometimes the Lord’s guidance in our lives is less a matter of Him telling us what to do, but rather, His saying, “You choose the path you desire to take, and I’ll help you walk it.”
When I was about 32 years old, a couple years into my career, already with 4 children, I was away from my family for specialized training at the FBI Academy at Quantico, Virginia. I had been, at the time, studying the Doctrine and Covenants. I was nearing the end of it. As I studied the book, the feeling had been growing within me that I wanted a greater knowledge and testimony of God than that simple one I had always had, since my early childhood. This desire worked within me and became a topic of prayer as I studied the revelations in the D&C.
One Saturday evening, as I closed my day with prayer, I found myself somewhat discouraged that I wasn’t feeling the progress I desired in my testimony. I wanted more, yet I did not desire to be a “sign-seeker”. I just wanted a greater knowledge and understanding. I felt I had earned it. I had indeed sought and knocked and waited to receive.
That night I had a deep talk with the Lord. I told him that I did not doubt, but that I had questions in my heart. I knew he was there, and that he loved me, and that He watched over me and answered my prayers. I told him that I had kept his statutes throughout my life, that I had kept his commandments: I had served a mission; I had kept the law of chastity; I had paid my tithes faithfully; I had kept the Word of Wisdom; I had married in the temple; I had served faithfully in my callings. I had lived according to all I had been taught, yet I still had this simple childlike faith in Him, with all the questions and blindness that entails. I told my Father in Heaven that I felt that I had paid the price to have greater light and knowledge bestowed upon me. I told him I had done all I had been asked to do. I told him I desired to know more.
I waited on my knees by my bedside.
Nothing came. I concluded that I was not yet ready.
I awoke the next morning, a Sunday morning, a bit downcast and lay in bed wondering whether I should see if I could find a local chapel, where I could attend church and take the sacrament. I started thinking I might just stay at the academy and maybe attend one of the non-denominational meetings there, just to be in keeping with the Sabbath Day. I began to think I would probably not be able to find a local building in time anyway (this was before the Internet and GPS).
As I lay there, I was suddenly struck with this thought: “Here you kneeled by this very bedside last night, telling the Lord how you were ready for greater light and knowledge, that you had paid the price to know, and that you were ready. Now here this morning, you lie here in this same bed, wondering whether you should go to church and making excuses for yourself.”
I immediately got out of bed and went to the phone book. I looked up the local building and made a call to the bishop’s office. He answered and in minutes had the address, directions, and meeting times. I began to dress to go to church. As I did so, I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.
I began to ponder some questions that had been prominent in my mind for some time. Suddenly, my mind was opened to things I had never before considered. My thoughts were drawn out into eternal things, and I thought more deeply and understood more completely the things of the Creation, of space and time, of the Atonement of Christ, and of the very existence God, than I had ever before experienced. Many of the scriptures became more open to me, and I understood things I had not before understood. This experience continued for the space of about two hours, even as I drove, closing just as I approached the chapel.
This was the answer to my prayers. I had received what I had so long sought. I had received greater light and knowledge, and even more, I knew the promise was true, that if we seek, and if we knock, we will receive.
63 Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
64 Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you.
68 Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.
(Doctrine and Covenants 88:63-64, 68)
It took me until I was 32 years old to receive that additional light and knowledge, having done all I was asked to do, not in perfection, but in diligence and persistence. No one need suppose that I have gained a perfect knowledge, or a sure knowledge of all of the things of God, for much of what I perceived and understood during that experience was closed to me when the experience closed, yet I know I had the experience and I remember the power of it. That memory has, over the years, brought me to shed all doubt regarding His existence, His knowledge of all things, His power over them all, and His love for his children.
Do not be discouraged if your answers do not come according to your own desires and your own timetable. The Lord knows you and your needs. He will answer according to His wisdom and in His time. Be faithful. Be diligent. Be persistent. He will come to you.
Above all, even if you have doubts and questions, do not despair, but trust in the words of those who do know, until your faith is increased and your testimony can stand on its own, for even that is a gift of the Spirit.
I leave you my testimony that our Heavenly Father knows you. He knows your name. He knows your desires, your strengths, your weaknesses, your faults, your sins, and your eternal worth as His child. He gave His Only Begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
In the holy name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.